Growing Our Conflict Competence

How do we respond when we disagree with someone at church? Do we speak up, withdraw, try to keep everyone happy, or quietly gather people who see things our way?

Pastors and leaders from Tasmanian Baptist churches gathered at Riverlands this week for our regular Pastors Muster. From lunchtime Tuesday to lunchtime Wednesday, Tim Dyer and Luke Morgan helped us explore how we can become more competent in handling conflict. It was a warm and encouraging time together, with plenty to think about and put into practice.

One starting point was recognising that conflict is a normal part of life together. We bring different experiences, expectations and convictions into our churches. We care deeply about people, ministry and what we believe God is calling us to do. Those differences need to be understood and worked through.

Our biblical starting point was Ephesians 4. Paul calls us to humility, gentleness and patience, bearing with one another in love and making every effort to maintain unity. He also gets practical: speak truthfully, deal with anger, and use words that build people up.¹ The way we handle disagreement is part of learning to follow Jesus together.

We spent time considering why conflict in churches can become especially complicated. Friendships, family connections, volunteer roles and spiritual authority can all overlap. A disagreement about a budget or a room can carry years of history. Avoiding the conversation may feel easier, but it can leave hurt and misunderstanding to grow.

One of the clearest themes was the importance of good process. How are decisions made? Whose voice is heard? Are responsibilities clear? Do people know how to raise a concern? These practical questions matter to the health of our relationships.

The training also helped us look beneath the surface of a disagreement. Are we working from different information? Are there problems with structures or power? What interests, relationships, values or beliefs are involved? Understanding these different factors helps us ask better questions before deciding what needs to happen.

We also considered the stories we tell ourselves. Someone does something we don’t understand, and we begin to explain their motives. Before long, we can be responding to our explanation as though it were a fact. We notice the things that support our view and miss the things that might challenge it.

Slowing down, listening carefully and checking our assumptions can make a real difference. What matters to this person? What am I missing? What might we both care about beneath our different positions?

Luke helped ground our discussions in Proverbs through five biblical approaches: truth-telling, justice-seeking, grace-giving, peacemaking and wisdom-seeking.

We also explored our natural conflict styles through some memorable animals: the direct Bull, persuasive Camel, accommodating Koala, compromising Fox, withdrawing Turtle and collaborative Owl. Recognising our usual response gives us a starting point for learning when a different approach might help.

This is an important part of our work as Tas Baptists. We want our churches and leaders to have good processes, useful tools, policies and habits that help them face difficult conversations well. That takes practice, honesty and a willingness to keep learning. As we finished up, Tim walked us though a Draft Conflict and Grievance policy set (available here) and encouraged churches to rigorously discuss before considering adoption. 

We are grateful to Tim and Luke for helping us take these steps together. Our hope is that what we learnt will shape the next difficult conversation—in a church meeting, between ministry leaders, or over a cup of coffee. Each is an opportunity to practise courage, humility, wisdom and grace, and to reflect the reconciling work of Jesus in our life together.

¹ Ephesians 4:1–3, 15, 25–32.